U.S. Curtain Master General Warns Of Increasing Number Of Creeps Behind Drapes

WASHINGTON—Following pressure for transparency around what or who could be behind there, U.S. Curtain Master General George Weintraub warned Friday of the increasing number of creeps behind drapes. “We recommend you protect yourself and your family by being on the lookout for vaguely human-shaped silhouettes or lumps that were not there before, and by bending down to check for shoes peeping out at the bottom that the curtains weren’t quite long enough to conceal,” said Weintraub, who urged the public to report any strangers they discovered lurking behind their window hangings online at CurtainMaster.gov or in-person at any Department of the Sitting Room office. “They could be perverts, they could be freaks, they could be deranged madmen waiting for you to fall asleep so they can then strangle you. Regardless, I am using my power as Curtain Master General to inform you that they don’t belong there.” At press time, Weintraub added that anyone who encountered suspicious lumps behind their drapery should whip back the curtains and yell, “Ah-ha!”