Woman Makes It Through Another Day Having Strange Interactions That Make Everyone Uncomfortable

HOUSTON—Exhausted from her 16-hour shift of failing to meet an already very low bar of behavioral norms, local woman Zoe Briers told reporters Tuesday she had made it through another day having strange interactions that made everyone uncomfortable. “From the moment my neighbor said ‘Good morning’ and I just stared at him, to the way my boss tried to give me a fist bump and I flinched because I thought she was trying to punch me, it’s been a banner day for driving people away from me,” said Briers, the off-putting professional, who congratulated herself on a job well-done as she recalled all of the peculiar things she had said and done that day. “I think I even scared a stranger’s dog today. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. If I don’t alienate everyone around me, who will?” At press time, Briers announced she was going to bed early so she could get a head start on behaving weird tomorrow.