Foreign Guy Slamming Diet Cokes At Bar Absolutely Dominating Pool Table

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the quiet, intense individual clearly came to win, locals at Gelman’s Tap reported Wednesday that a foreign guy was slamming Diet Cokes and dominating the pool table. “I’m not exactly sure who that guy is, but he doesn’t speak much English, he got here exactly when the place opened at six, and he hasn’t relinquished the table since,” said customer Joey Shattuck, adding that the man paid only in cash, refused to drink a drop of alcohol, and repeatedly screamed at himself in a “Baltic-sounding language” whenever he missed a ball. “He pointed his stick at me, chugged an entire Diet Coke, and proceeded to sink every single ball without saying another word. I think the whole game lasted about two minutes. I still don’t know his name.” At press time, patrons had reportedly decided to move on to playing darts after the foreign guy looked at everyone, slapped a $20 bill on the table, and asked if they wanted to start betting money.