WASHINGTON—Sounding the alarm that a cosmic bird of prey had clamped its talons onto the planet, NASA warned Thursday that a space hawk had swooped in and picked up the Earth for its nest of hungry space chicks. “We are on high alert after our satellite imaging confirmed that a quite sizable space hawk has in fact descended on Earth and carried it off with the intention of feeding our planet to its interstellar hatchlings,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who explained that the space hawk had used its keen extrasolar vision to pinpoint Earth’s blue seas from hundreds of light-years away, allowing the cosmic raptor to pluck our rocky planet right from its orbit. “Given the evidence we’ve obtained from observing distant exoplanets, the space hawk will first tear apart the Earth and give bite-sized pieces of our home world to its young. We do not have long before we are devoured and used as sustenance for the next generation of galactic apex predators.” At press time, a supernova had reportedly frightened the space hawk, causing it to drop Earth into a black hole.
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