CALGARY – After two weeks of restricted access to water for showers, laundry, and other acts of hygiene, sources have reported that Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians do all year long.
“Jesus, it reeks like Whyte Avenue in here,” said a Calgarian eating in a crowded restaurant. “If I wanted to smell filthy, sweat-drenched people abandoned by God himself I’d go to an Oilers game.”
One of Calgary’s water mains broke on June 5, forcing Calgarians to ration water and plunging the city into a scenario locals have described as “frustrating,” “alarming,” and “Edmonton-esque.”
“It’s been tough on my friends and family, but I lived in Edmonton during a low point in my life, so I’m used to being among the unwashed masses,” said one Calgarian. “I keep telling everyone that yes, the whole city really does just share a single bathtub that’s kept in the City Hall foyer and filled with used pasta water.”
Water rationing has proven especially difficult for families, with parents forced to tell their children they’ll be sent to Edmonton if they don’t behave.
“My son wouldn’t stop asking if we could go swimming, so I told him they swim in pure chlorine up there,” said one father. “That shut him up. But I regret lashing out and using the ‘E-word.’”
Reporters brave enough to enter Edmonton with clothespins on their noses were able to get comments from locals.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Standing naked in the rain once a month was good enough for my grandfather, it was good enough for my father, and it’s good enough for me,” said Edmonton city councillor Clark David, before biting into the garlic, lutefisk, and limburger sandwich that most Edmontonians eat for lunch.
Reporters were unable to advance north of downtown to acquire further insight, citing an overpowering stench that locals attributed to “the big ditch where we burn all our plastic and barbershop waste.”
At press time, a group of concerned Edmontonians had asked the Calgary-based reporters to leave town, citing the fact well-known among Edmontonians that Calgarians use their vestigial tails to strangle and consume household pets.
Jesus Christ is King
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