New Florida Law Allows C-Sections To Be Performed By Any Machete-Wielding Lunatic

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming the move would empower women to take control of their bodies, the Florida Legislature passed a new law Friday that allows cesarean sections to be performed by any machete-wielding lunatic. “Starting today, women in Florida will no longer have to go through the traditional red tape and can choose to have C-sections performed by a crazed, screaming man eager to plunge a 4-foot blade into their womb,” said Florida state Sen. Gayle Harrell, adding that patients would be afforded greater flexibility and could now have their baby cut out in an alley, an abandoned warehouse, or while chained up in the madman’s garage. “Some women do not want to give birth in hospitals, and this gives them the chance to have their abdomen chopped open by any number of maniacs who may or may not have recently escaped an insane asylum. At the end of the day, giving these masked, blood-spattered men free range with an axe is often faster, cheaper, and less paperwork for these women. It’s a win-win.” At press time, critics had pushed back against the law, complaining that many of the machete-wielding lunatics did not know how to properly dispose of a chopped-up body.