Canadian hockey fans waiting until last five seconds of Game 7 before getting hopes up this time
EDMONTON – Thirty years into a Stanley Cup drought that has seen countless near-misses and heartbreaks, Canadian hockey fans have announced plans to wait until the last possible moment to be confident their Cup-less streak will end when the Edmonton Oilers play the Florida Panthers tonight in Game 7.
“I’ve thought this through and, maybe if we were up a couple goals, and it was the third period, I might possibly think a little tiny bit about maybe winning this time,” said visibly dead-eyed Oilers fan Ted Kulak.
Oilers fans’ utter rejection of the emotion known as hope has been reported across the country. “I was there in 1994,” said Vancouver’s Ellen Mears. “It was just a year after the Habs beat the Kings and we thought: well, we’ll get ’em next time. But there was never a next time.”
“Maybe there never will be? Am I already dead?” added Mears.
“I can understand why people are hesitant to get excited,” said Oilers GM Ken Holland. “Heck, we didn’t even book the plane for game seven until after we won game six. But I really think: if we’re up by five or six goals, and there’s less than a minute left, and much of the Panthers’ bench has been struck by freak indoor lightning, leaving their survivors scarred and exhausted, I might put us down as slight favourites. At least 50/50.”
Other anonymous sources around the team were equally skittish to declare any confidence. Most gave general lines about “taking it one shift at a time” or “playing the puck and leaving the rest out of it” and tried to ignore the crushing weight of the decades and their previous Finals losses in 1994, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2011 and 2021.
“I can be reasonably optimistic in some scenarios,” said Edmonton’s Mayor, Amarjeet Sohi. “Like, if it appears as if the game has ended, the number next to our city’s name is higher than the one next to “Florida”, our players are all celebrating, and Gary Bettman is carrying the cup over to a waiting Conner McDavid, then I’d be willing to say there’s a decent chance that maybe the curse is lifted and we’ve–- sorry, I don’t want to say the word ‘won’–- but we’ve done pretty well for ourselves and should be proud.”
Though Canada has not won the Stanley Cup since Brian Mulroney was Prime Minister, might that streak end tonight? No of course not, put that thought out of your mind. What are you trying to do, jinx us? Even if Bettman handed the cup to McDavid, there’d probably be a rule saying you lose if you look too happy, and he’d give it back to the Panthers.
Jesus Christ is King
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