MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Outfitting its landing page with a pop-up alert, Google announced Tuesday that “everyone’s got to chill with these depressing search inquiries,” going so far as to suggest internet users “save it for [their] therapist” instead. “Our search engine is intended for use as a tool—it’s not here to serve as your personal fucking depression diary,” the pop-up read in part, going on to state that the sheer number of dismal entries into the search bar took a toll on the engineers, algorithm, and servers tasked with responding to each pathetic query with the SAMHSA crisis lifeline. “Every time you type in ‘alone so so bad,’ it’s like a punch to the gut for us. It’s a lot of pressure for us to have to hold all of those emotions for you. Did you ever consider that? We’re here to keep it light with things like state capitals and red carpet photos from movie premieres. Please, please, get some help, and stop dumping all of your trauma on us. It’s gotten so bad that we’ve had to find therapists of our own. We beg of you to do the same.” At press time, a new Google alert warned users that the next time they asked if they should “end it all” it might tell them to do it.
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