SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting that they normally would not have embraced someone whose life was such a goddamn shitshow, local woman Tara Lopez told reporters Tuesday that her sister’s deadbeat boyfriend was doing wonders for the rest of her family’s self-esteem. “At first we hated the fact that he was an unemployed, unmotivated bum with a total lack of drive, but now we look at ourselves and can’t help but feel amazing,” said Lopez, adding that their initial concern for their sister dating a fucking loser who played video games all day, constantly smoked marijuana, and had recently become addicted to online poker was immediately overshadowed by how smart, accomplished, and motivated he made every single one of her relatives look by comparison. “Sure, my husband sucks in a lot of ways, but at least he didn’t take $2,000 of my money and invest it in a crypto scheme he found on Reddit. Seriously, I could crash my car, get fired from my job, and have to move back in with my parents, and somehow I’d still look better than this guy. He’s perfect. I hope he keeps fucking up forever.” At press time, Lopez told reporters her entire family was ecstatic after her sister sent a photo her deadbeat boyfriend proposing with a ring pop, followed by an announcement that she was pregnant.
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