Tourist Immediately Breaks 34 Sacred Local Customs While Deboarding Airplane

TOKYO—In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive in any way, shape, or form, reportedly wasted no time doing so and, within 30 seconds of unbuckling his seat belt at the gate, had unknowingly violated countless unwritten rules that inhabitants of Japan had observed for thousands of years. Although the blundering 47-year-old tourist remained totally silent, kept his hands to himself, and kept eye contact with others at a minimum, sources said he still somehow managed to horrify every single local he encountered, including a flight attendant, several passengers, and countless airport workers, all of whom struggled to veil their looks of disgust as he gleefully exited through the jet bridge. According to reports, Deacon later became a symbol of American stupidity and rudeness for the entire country of Japan after unwittingly making several unforgivable mistakes in the airport restroom.