TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers of Tim Hortons’ new play, “The Last Timbit,” have deemed the production mediocre so far, which is much more than can be said for the actual last stale Timbit in any given location.
This is despite the rather dark subject matter, which deals with every Canadian’s worst nightmare: being trapped in a Tim Hortons by a snowstorm for almost a day, with nothing to eat but their fare and nobody to talk to but exhausted, irritable staff and any other customers crazy or desperate enough to have voluntarily entered the place at all.
Although its name suggests a plot following a group of coworkers fighting over something nobody really even likes but which they still want merely to prevent their obnoxious manager from having it, the play is actually meant to be about the goodness in everyday people. This presumably refers to the love in their hearts and not the sour coffee in their stomachs.
“It had a lot more substance to it than their tea, which is literally just water,” admitted arts critic Jennifer Ryan. “Which was surprising, since you’d think that it would be much easier to mess up a live play than a cup of straight orange pekoe. Not even loose leaf. Couldn’t be simpler. But not for Tim Hortons.”
Most of those who previewed it were unsurprised to learn that Tim Hortons itself had little involvement and gave the producers a large amount of creative leeway. “The actual company not having much of a hand in it goes a long way toward explaining why it doesn’t totally suck,” noted another reviewer, Edgar Stone.
For the same reason, the play, made in large part by homegrown artists and actors, can be considered actually Canadian, unlike the chain, which has been owned by American companies since 1995.
With morning customers having been exposed to so many disappointing doughnuts that even the groggiest of them can suppress the 6AM sugar craving, Tims is seeking evening sales and hopes to use intermission to foist their already overpriced ‘food’ on famished and vulnerable attendees at ten times the cost.
Like many of Tim Hortons’ other recent offerings, “The Last Timbit” is the sort of product people shell out for only once ― whether ironically or out of morbid curiosity ― so even though it has turned out relatively palatable, it is unclear how much profit the company will make. However, recent polls indicate that Canadians are largely supportive of the brand’s recent move into drama, and of any future changes that don’t require actual ingestion of a Tims product.
Jesus Christ is King
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