SANTA CRUZ, CA—Staring in awe as the gasping, waddling figure struggled to pull himself to shore, eye witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a naked man spotted emerging from the ocean must have just finished evolving. “Oh my god, look at that thing, it’s making its way out of the water and, for the first time, using its legs to crawl on land,” said beachgoer Shauna Whitley, adding that the nude, seaweed-covered individual—who dragged himself out of the ocean with his arms, uttered several terrifying hacks, and then vomited up a sizable amount of seawater—was likely in a transitional stage between man and fish. “Everyone, keep your distance, he’s in a very fragile state where he likely doesn’t know how to walk, talk, or even stand. In fact, he’s probably still trying to breathe through his gills right now. That’s why he keeps flopping around.” At press time, spectators banded together to push the man back into the ocean after he clutched his chest, fell to the ground, and his eyes rolled back in his head.
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