NEW YORK—In response to numerous complaints filed with the USDA, Maybelline publicly denied lab-testing their mascara products on Italian widows Friday, calling the accusation a “harmful, baseless rumor.” “Contrary to the abhorrent rumors circulating about our company, Maybelline does not test our waterproof eye makeup on live Italian widows,” said a spokesperson for the company, addressing a leaked viral video allegedly taken by a whistleblower inside the cosmetics company’s facilities, which appeared to show a number of wailing, veiled Italian women loudly mourning the loss of their husbands from inside a crowded pen while researchers documented the amount of tears their waterproof mascara, eyeliner, and other purportedly smudge-proof products could withstand. “The libelous claims against us are outrageous, but let us just say outright that absolutely no nonnas from the old country have ever been captured from a graveside and shipped here against their will to aid in the development of our fine Maybelline products. Our laboratories meet the highest standards of ethics and humane care for any and all hysterical women we test our products on, which is how we are able to give out 24-hour waterproof guarantee. In fact, all of the Italian women we use in our trials are happily married to living men.” At press time, a message from one of the hundreds of captive widows reached a local news outlet, in which the donna vecchia claimed she and her fellow mourners were only fed a meager bowl of panzanella a day and heartlessly deprived of their rosaries, crucifixes, and photos of grandchildren.
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