Excitement for tonight’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden has already reached a fever pitch, and The Babylon Bee is here to cover it all — and tell you what will happen.
Years of battle-hardened journalistic expertise and election coverage have yielded the following list of totally accurate predictions for tonight’s debate to give you a heads-up of things to watch for:
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Biden will go the full 90 minutes without blinking: Meaning he’ll be completely dialed in and not under the influence of any chemical substances whatsoever.
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Trump will make up 13 new nicknames for Biden throughout the evening: Biden will respond by reciting the 13 new indictments for Trump that his team has made up in the last week.
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Biden will utter the phrase “convicted felon” at least 384 times: It may not always be intelligible, but he’ll say it.
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FBI agents authorized to use deadly force will raid Trump’s podium midway through the debate: Somebody said that Trump has been storing classified documents next to a spare putter in the podium he’ll be using.
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Biden will respond to a question by asking Obama to please stand up and be recognized: He’ll be pointing to a random black man in the crowd, of course, but it’s the sentiment that counts.
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Trump will pull out a straw and shoot spitballs at Biden during his turn to speak: CNN may mute Trump’s microphone, but the rules don’t stipulate anything about spitballs.
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Biden’s aides will administer Narcan a minimum of six times: A specialized team has been training for weeks to get fast enough to finish giving the president Narcan during any cutaways to the moderators.
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Moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will be thorns in Trump’s side all night: Literally, they’ll be sticking pins into the side of their Donald Trump voodoo doll.
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Biden’s body double will accidentally respond to his real name — Fred: After the debate, the White House will simply explain that Fred’s presence was, in fact, a right-wing conspiracy.
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Two elderly men will spend 90 minutes screaming at each other: This one’s a lock.
Take the list above to the bank. If any of the items listed above don’t happen, then you KNOW the entire debate was just a deepfake.
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