Report Links Climbing Onto Enormous Index Finger With Being Whisked Away To Kingdom Of Giants

NEW YORK—In a finding that sheds light upon the lives of hundreds of Americans who experience similar fates each year, a Columbia University report released Friday linked climbing onto an enormous index finger with being whisked away to a kingdom of giants. “Our research suggests there’s a strong correlation between scurrying up onto a 50-foot-wide human palm and being spirited away to an incredible realm ruled by behemoths,” read the report in part, which revealed that 93% of individuals who described desperately clinging to a giant’s knuckle hair as they were rushed through an enchanted forest eventually found themselves in a strange village known as Cyclopus or Jumbolia. “We’ve analyzed many such cases, and almost inevitably, the act of taking refuge in a giant’s hand leads to a person being gingerly tucked into a makeshift bed crafted from an enormous handkerchief and a bit of hay. This happened regardless of whether the individual was a mischievous young scamp or an old curmudgeon who loses his skepticism about magic after seeing homes that tower to the stars and a massive carrot that he could nibble on for months on end.” The report added that in a small minority of cases, climbing onto the enormous hand led to the individual being tickled into arousal, slowly undressed, and then brought to a shuddering climax.