Democrats were reportedly brainstorming late into the night, scrambling to find a viable candidate — or any candidate — to run against Donald Trump following Joe Biden’s disastrous performance in last night’s presidential debate.
The Babylon Bee has acquired the following list of the top ten candidates who the Democrats are considering supporting to replace Joe Biden this fall:
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Tom Hanks playing Joe Biden: The Oscar-winning actor could give the world his greatest performance, plus everyone is already used to having someone pretending to be president.
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King Theoden: Even if it’s the version who hasn’t been healed by Gandalf, he’s better than Biden.
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Jimmy Carter: Despite being in hospice care, he’s still eligible to serve one more term. Call him up!
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Volodymyr Zelensky: He’s got presidential experience, plus he already controls the federal budget and the U.S. military, so the transition would be seamless.
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Caitlin Clark: The Democrats will be excited to finally have a candidate who can draw a crowd.
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This old turnip on the side of the road: At least the turnip won’t go wandering off during international summits. And it might even be sentient, which would be an improvement.
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Lizzo: World peace may finally be achieved by having a leader everyone is scared to mess with.
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One of the purple-haired White House interns: That dude Gale who wears the lipstick was born for this job.
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Emperor Palpatine: Only slightly less evil than the current administration, but great with establishing law and order.
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Disney World’s animatronic Biden: Turn it down to half-speed and voters won’t even be able to tell the difference.
Sources have confirmed that Trump isn’t afraid to face anyone on the list above, with the possible exception of the turnip.
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