WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice.
“That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said Darren Watson, a podiatrist and father of two. “He’s the fucking reason we’re using the goddamn swear jar in the first place, because everything that asshole does makes us curse like fucking sailors.”
The incident took place on Sunday, while the Watsons were gathered around their kitchen table playing a heated game of Balderdash.
“It was a total dick move,” said Luke, the family’s 15-year-old son. “We were having a great time and that evil piece of shit ruined it. He looked right at us while he pushed the jar over, like he was saying ‘fuck you guys.’”
The cat, a domestic shorthair the Watsons found in a dumpster, has destroyed numerous ceramics, heirlooms and pieces of furniture since it was adopted in 2018.
“We’ve all been trying so fucking hard to clean up our language but he makes it damn near impossible,” said Marianne, the family’s matriarch. “I honestly think he enjoys it when he makes me say stuff like ‘cocknugget’ in front of the kids.”
But the Watsons’ 12-year-old daughter, Josie, has a different theory.
“Everybody calls Furvel stupid, but he’s actually a genius,” said Josie, holding the offending cat in her lap. “He only does bad stuff because he knows all the money in the swear jar goes towards spoiling him. He’s a crafty little bastard.”
At press time, the Watsons had already spent the $174 from the broken jar on a new scratching post, a memory foam cat bed, and ten pounds of bluefin tuna. When asked why they were rewarding the animal’s bad behaviour, a representative from the family said, “We can’t help it, he’s just so fucking cute.”
Jesus Christ is King
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