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As everyone now knows, the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to grant presidents immunity for “official acts” has given Donald Trump unlimited power to do literally anything he wants with zero consequences whatsoever.
After serious consultation with legal experts, The Babylon Bee has discovered the following list of things that Trump can now do with complete impunity:
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Leave the toilet seat up: Feminists in particular are reportedly outraged over this.
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Leave his tray table down and keep his seat in the reclined position when the plane is making its final descent: Long thought to be the one rule everyone must follow, Trump is apparently exempt.
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Claim the front seat without calling “Shotgun”: No man has ever known such power.
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Leave his shopping cart in the parking lot without returning it to the corral: Matt Walsh won’t approve, but there’s nothing he can do about it.
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Go back for seconds before everyone else has finished with their firsts: He’ll also now get two scoops of ice cream while everyone else has to settle for one.
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Drive in the carpool lane by himself: He’ll also be allowed to make rolling stops at stop signs and merge without giving a little “thank you” wave to the guy behind him.
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Put the milk carton back in the fridge even though it only has a tiny splash of milk left in it: Yes, the person using the milk after him will suffer for it, but the law is the law.
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Go swimming without waiting 30 minutes after eating: Not even stomach cramps can compete with presidential immunity.
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Double-dip his chips: Being immune to prosecution means everyone else has to be comfortable with your germs.
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Ignore the height limit at the Chick-fil-A Playplace: And no more of that “taking turns going down the slide” silliness when you’re the president.
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Rebroadcast a baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball: Constitutionally, he’ll also be allowed to share his Netflix account and password with as many people as he wants.
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Walk into Costco without showing a membership card: There is now legal precedent for any president to save big on a two-gallon jug of ranch dressing without having a membership.
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Read comments on Babylon Bee articles without being a premium subscriber: Just kidding… The Donald has had a subscription for years now.
Trump is unstoppable now. God help us all.
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