Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips

WASHINGTON—Admitting that he had never been more conflicted about a ruling in his life, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly torn Monday over a case in which both sides offered compelling scuba trips. “While there’s a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the plaintiff has instead taken a more unorthodox approach and presented an all-expenses-paid diving trip off the shores of Aruba,” said a thoughtful, inquisitive Thomas, adding that while he had supported taking vacations with donors to Southeast Asia for years, he was starting to see the appeal of visiting the white sandy shores of the Caribbean. “In their arguments, the defense made a detailed case that perhaps this summer I need three weeks with my family on a luxury yacht in the Pacific, complete with my own scuba instructor and private chef. But the plaintiff has repeatedly claimed he can get me more in Aruba. He even said I could swim with a shark. And I’ve always wanted to do that.” At press time, Thomas called for a short recess to give the matter more thought, as whichever choice he made could have dire consequences for decades of his luxury vacations.