Employee Lost Like Sailor In Maelstrom After HR Fails To Send Out Quarterly Company Update

CLEVELAND—Lacking a North Star to guide him through his workday, local office worker Evan Pullman was reportedly lost like a sailor in a maelstrom Tuesday after the human resources department at Edgemere Industries failed to send out the company’s quarterly update. “Dear God! Without an email newsletter recapping our sales goals and top-performing products over the past three months, how will I navigate these turbulent waters before me?” said Pullman, describing his hope that, like sunlight breaking through darkened, storm-troubled skies, a message would appear in his inbox identifying key performance indicators and areas for revenue growth. “Am I to be tossed upon the savage waves of this great tempest with no signal as to our CEO’s commitment to hitting our milestones going forward? Surely, I will lose my way and perish in these watery depths if I don’t read a long paragraph about the need to remain nimble amid a challenging economic outlook?” At press time, a relieved Pullman kissed his computer screen as though it were dry land after realizing the HR email admonishing the staff for not meeting customer acquisition targets had accidentally landed in his spam folder.