Stressed-Out God Didn’t Realize He Was Supposed To Reincarnate All Those Dead People

THE HEAVENS—Groaning as He surveyed the massive piles of souls, a stressed-out God confirmed Tuesday that He had not realized He was supposed to reincarnate all those dead people. “Oh, shit, that was my job?” said the Lord God Almighty, who shook His head and muttered, “There’s, like, 117 billion of these things,” as He momentarily contemplated walking out of the room and pretending He simply had not seen the towering wall of bankers boxes containing deceased people’s spirits. “Everyone thinks I can just snap my fingers and do anything, but that’s not true. It’s a ton of work. Some people have to return as dogs, some people have to return as birds. I’ve lost a lot of records too, so frankly, I don’t even know who most of these souls are. I’m never going to get this finished.” At press time, God had reportedly decided to phone it in and just make everyone cicadas.