Traditional 10,000-Calorie Sumo-Style Dinner Leaves American Tourist Writhing In Hunger

TOKYO—Grasping his stomach and grimacing at the end of the meal, local American tourist Aaron Messner complained to reporters Wednesday that he had hoped to enjoy a time-honored Japanese culinary experience, but his 10,000-calorie sumo-style dinner had left him writhing in hunger. “Oh God, I can’t believe all we got to eat was some chicken meatballs, a few measly cod fillets, 40 shrimp, three pounds of pork belly, six chicken thighs, two heads of napa cabbage, a few dozen mushrooms, three carrots, and 10 cups of broth,” said Messner, who undid the top button of his pants to point out where he still felt hungry, adding that he had mistakenly thought the gallons of stew traditionally reserved for sumo wrestlers putting on weight and muscle was an appetizer and had assumed a selection of entrées would be coming later. “It’s something I wanted to try because it’s such an important part of the culture, but I didn’t realize it was going to be so unsatisfying. Ugh, I don’t even think I can get up from the table—I’m just too weak.” At press time, Messner was reportedly feeling better after going to a luxury teppanyaki restaurant for an emergency infusion of pork.