On July 1, Steve Bannon reported to federal prison to serve a four-month sentence for acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion followed the former Trump advisor and far-right figurehead for 24 hours behind bars.
- 6 a.m. Finally completes overnight digestion of cellmate
- 11 a.m.: Gets sent to Trump’s voicemail yet again
- 12 p.m.: Picks maggots out of chow; eats maggots
- 1:30 p.m.: Shanks self and blames it on Black prisoner
- 2 p.m.: Applies for podcast work release
- 3 p.m.: Gets neo-Nazi tattoo on only patch of living skin
- 5 p.m.: 15 minutes of maniacal growling
- 8 p.m.: Evening revenge vowing
- 10 p.m.: Wonders if Trump is looking up at the same moon
- 12 a.m.: Treats self to midnight snack by eating discarded asexual bud
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