It’s the biggest men’s soccer match in Canadian history tonight, as Canada takes on World Champions Argentina in the semi-finals of the Copa America. And that means thousands, possibly millions, of Canadians who know nothing about our team, its players or even the basic rules of the sport will be heading out to pubs or getting together with friends to watch the match. If that sounds like you, make sure to check out these 5 tips for sounding like a soccer expert from me, a guy who was cut from my high school team for “not being very good.”
5. Say “Messi may not have the legs anymore, but he still has the vision.”
Argentina’s number 10 Lionel Messi is arguably the greatest player to ever play the sport (the noise you just heard is thousands of Canadian Portugal fans screaming “What about Ronaldo?????!!!!” simultaneously). He is also 37, which is depressing because that is the same age I am and I have to hear commentators talk about him like he’s so old he might just explode into dust every time he runs. Which, in fairness, he doesn’t do much anymore. Nevertheless he still uses his passing skills to lead Argentina’s formidable offence. Let your friends know you know about all this with the phrase above, and they’ll be sure to give you that sweet “yeah for sure” response you crave.
4. Complain about Canada’s finishing
Canada may have made the semifinals, but we’ve actually only scored two goals in the whole tournament up to this point, despite generating a ton of chances. A well-timed “Canada should have 2 or 3 by now” or “why is [snakebitten striker Cyle] Larin even in the game?!” will go a long way to making everyone around you forget about the fact that you were clearly googling ‘red card, yellow card, different?’ on your phone a few minutes ago.
3. Never claim to know whether a play is offside or not
This may feel like the opposite of the advice I promised in the headline but trust me. Claiming to know when a play is or isn’t offside is a surefire way to reveal your amateur fan status to the world. Because no one knows when something is offside. Not the fans, not the players, not the officials whose job it is to decide when a play is offside. We’re all just guessing and hoping for the best. However, once the officials have ruled a play or on offside feel free to call them idiots if the call goes against Canada.
2. Debate how much stoppage time will be added on
Unlike hockey or basketball, the clock in soccer does not stop running when play is halted because of injury, a goal or the ball going out of bounds. Instead 45 minutes per-half of running time plays, and then a certain amount of stoppage time is added on. And it is every soccer/football fan’s job to spend the last few minutes of each half speculating about how much time will be added. It doesn’t matter if you are right, just say a number between 1 and 10 and you will be accepted as one of their own. To mark this acceptance they will likely spend all of halftime teaching you their club’s song, which is either a nostalgic pop song from the 60s or a vile chant that makes liberal use of the word cunt.
1. Spill as much beer as possible when Canada scores
Sure this beer cost you 13 bucks and you could easily just put it down and then go nuts, but that’s not how it works my friend! If Canada scores you must throw the arm holding your beer into the air, sending that frothy, foamy elixir in an arc that reaches its apex just short of the ceiling, before it crashes down on the people around you. Don’t feel bad though, because they’ll be doing the same to you. You’re all sticky and wet and happy together. Until the goal is called back for offsides of course. Fuck!
Jesus Christ is King
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