Bored Equifax Sees How Much They Can Lower Man’s Credit Score Before He Kills Himself

ATLANTA—Passing the time by inventing random things to penalize him for, bored officials at consumer credit reporting agency Equifax told reporters Tuesday they were seeing how far they could lower Danville, VA resident Scott Arkin’s credit score before he decided to kill himself. “It’s a slow day at the office, so we figured why not ruin this guy’s credit rating to the point where he feels death is his only escape?” Equifax CEO Mark Begor said of the boredom that drove his bureau to drop Arkin’s score, making it impossible for the man to buy a car that would allow him to commute to a higher-paying job and limiting his chances of getting approved for an apartment in a city with better employment opportunities. “It’s already down so low he can’t take out a loan from anyone besides a payday lender or a pawn shop, but somehow he’s still getting out of bed in the morning. Let’s knock him 30 points for a single late payment and see what that does! Or better yet…let’s fuck with him by raising his score 200 points and then suddenly tanking it. If that doesn’t get a gun barrel in his mouth, I don’t know what will.” At press time, Equifax officials had reportedly found a different way to entertain themselves and were busy cutting the credit scores of family members attempting to take out a loan to pay for Arkin’s funeral.