EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – The Canadian men’s national soccer team plays Argentina in the Copa America semi-final tonight, as Canada looks to end its pathetic century-long title drought in South America’s soccer championship.
While top-ranked Argentina has won the Copa an impressive 15 times, Canada has never previously reached the semi-final, advanced out of the group stage, or participated in the tournament in any way whatsoever.
“It shows you how far this program has come in such a short time that Canada is now considered part of South America,” said manager Jesse Marsch. “That would have been inconceivable even 20 years ago.”
TSN analysts believe that while Argentina will be a tough test, Canada can still achieve victory if they get balls deep, play the body, and stay out of the penalty box.
“Everyone thinks we’re the underdogs, but we believe Canada can win a South American soccer tournament that’s being held in the United States,” said striker Jacob Shaffelburg. “We’ll show all those Australian sportswriters who doubted us, or who justifiably assumed we weren’t even eligible.”
While World Cup champions Argentina already defeated Canada in the tournament’s group stage, they aren’t taking their semi-final opponents lightly. Manager Lionel Scaloni is preparing his team for the rematch by pointing to Canada on a map and saying “Remember, they really do play soccer too,” asking his stars not to rub it in too much when they score the game’s fourth goal, and serving his players Tim Hortons food to help them grasp their foe’s desperation.
“Soccer is beautiful because it allows developed and underdeveloped nations to compete as equals,” said Argentine superstar Lionel Messi. “Based on their national cuisine I assume the Canadians are malnourished, yet here they are. They’ll be hungry for success and actual food, so we’ll need to be ready for them.”
At press time hardcore Canada fans were saying that while a Copa victory would be nice, it would do little to address Canada’s pressing 62-year title drought in the Africa Cup of Nations.
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