Point/Counterpoint: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden vs. Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton?

Point: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden

Russell Kelley

For Joe Biden, the next few days will be a make or break moment for his campaign. After a bad debate performance, many high-ranking officials and Democratic donors have called for him to bow out, and for another candidate, perhaps Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom, to step up.

But one name being floated around may surprise you. According to a recent survey, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is polling ahead of President Biden, and—

Counterpoint: Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton?

Hillary Clinton

Yoo-hoo! Oh, hello there. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I couldn’t help but overhear someone saying the name “Hillary Clinton,” and since I’m the one and only Hillary Clinton, I figured I’d pop in and see what all the fuss was about!

So, what’s going on? Anything fun? Anything cool? Tell me, what can ol’ Hillary Clinton do for you today?

Don’t be shy. You see, I love meeting regular, everyday Americans! I was just on my way to a Goldman Sachs conference when I decided to put my ear to this wall and listen to your conversation for five minutes straight. So, what can I do you for, stranger?

Do you want a photo? Do you want to thank me for all I’ve done for women across the world and to lavish me with praise? Or do you want to tell me I should run for president?

Wait, who said anything about running for president? Certainly not me. Unless you did? Did you? Did you say I should run for president?

Did you say I should run for president? Did you say I should run for president?

Seriously, don’t let me interrupt. You were just in the middle of what must have been a very important conversation. Especially if it involved you and the American people finally honoring my God-given right to ascend to the highest office in the United States of America and rule this nation with an iron fist.

This is my fight song (hey)
Take back my life song (hey)
Prove I’m all right song (hey, ha)
My power’s turned on (hey)
Starting right now, I’ll be strong (hey)
I’ll play my fight song (hey)
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes (ha)
’Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Anywho! I’ve got to get going. But if anyone asks, I’m 76 years old, I remember all my grandchildren’s names, and I’m totally free for the next four years. If you need me, just close your eyes, say my name three times, and I will appear.

Now, let’s Pokémon get me to the White House!

The Onion