Chicago Mayor Blames Spike In Violence On 9th Century Chinese Monks Who Invented Gunpowder

CHICAGO, IL — In response to the shooting deaths of over 100 Chicago residents over the weekend, Mayor Brandon Johnson blamed the killings on the Chinese monks who invented gunpowder in the late 9th century.

“Those dastardly Chinese monks!” cried Johnson to members of the press. “They’ve sabotaged me again!”

Johnson went on to explain how the city of Chicago would be a veritable paradise if not for the Chinese monks who so foolishly attempted to create a life-extending elixir. “Now, look what they did,” said Johnson as videos of the shootings circulated. “Why, China? Why?”

City officials say they are working to undo the damage done by China, but are working against hundreds of years of Chinese subterfuge. “The sneaky Chinese have been working for literally a millennia to cause mayhem in Chicago,” explained city councilman Roger Stark. “We are doing everything possible to undo the invention of the Chinese, but it’s proving harder than expected. Oh, they’re clever, those monks!”

At publishing time, Johnson had admitted that others shared the blame beyond 9th century Chinese, including Confucius, the signers of the Treaty of Versailles, Millard Filmore, Taylor Swift, and Ghandi.

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