LAKELAND, FL—In what the evangelical congregation hailed as a significant step forward for its security capabilities, local megachurch Lakeland Liberty Fellowship confirmed Tuesday it had conducted a successful test of a nuclear missile. “Today’s detonation of a 50-kiloton thermonuclear device should serve as a stark warning to any outside aggressors who wish to move against our church,” said pastor and lead security analyst Paul Hammond, who went on to state without equivocation that any attempt to threaten his organization’s tax-free status would result in an immediate retaliatory strike. “To those who question our resolve, know that we remain resolute and unequivocal in our dedication to protecting this blessed and nondenominational congregation. An attack that interferes with our sacred mission in service of the Lord will be met with the full force of our arsenal. Our will is in lockstep with God’s will. Let this be a warning to all sinners.” At press time, the church reportedly began its Sunday mass by soliciting parishioners to donate any enriched uranium they might have.
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