Study Finds Increased Cognitive Function Linked To Being Released From Headlock

ITHACA, NY—In a new study published Wednesday that offers fresh insight into the relationship between brain activity and the classic restraining maneuver, scientists at Cornell University’s Department of Neurobiology and Behavior found increased cognitive function is linked to being released from a headlock. “Subjects fared significantly better across a wide battery of cognitive measures once they no longer had the full weight of a stronger person’s bicep choking off their air supply,” said Cornell neuropsychologist Martha Sheinbaum, describing how participants in the study displayed far superior logic, planning, and critical thinking skills the moment they were removed from an adversary’s armpit and ceased being repeatedly asked “Who’s a little bitch boy?” until they broke down in tears. “It was astonishing to witness how quickly they showed a greater mastery of problem-solving tasks once their face was no longer beet red and they were able to breathe freely. Interestingly, we saw these improvements vanish if subjects were later sucker-punched and stuffed face-first into a toilet bowl. In that case, their mental capacity was akin to what we tend to see in standardized assessments of complete fucking pussies.” The study did note, however, that a headlock markedly improved an individual’s memory skills when it came to recalling who their fucking daddy was.