QUEEN’S PARK – In the wake of an LCBO strike, Premier Doug Ford has reportedly been working around the clock to secure Ontarian’s access to hard liquor, as keeping conservative voters “24/7 hammered” is the only way to keep them voting for him.
“Folks, I promise I’ll make sure you have all the booze necessary to keep you from sobering up and noticing my ongoing efforts to dismantle Ontario’s healthcare,” explained Ford in a YouTube campaign video where he prepared tiramisu for some reason.
With traditional PC voters currently only able to purchase beer and wine as the strike drags on, Ford and his advisors have privately worried that it voters will soon lose enough of their perma-buzzes to keep voting for his majority government.
“If those cottagers in the Muskoka riding don’t get some Canada Club soon, we’ll lose that seat for sure,” exclaimed one anonymous aide.
Internal PC polling shows that consistent access to whiskey, vodka, and tequila are the only things preventing Ontario’s conservative voters from revolting against Ford’s efforts to sell valuable public assets to the property developers in attendance at his daughter’s wedding.
Projections indicate that keeping these base voters from wising up to Ford’s obviously shady deal to build an unnecessary subway stop to service luxury condo developments built on the former Ontario Science Centre location will require “weird imported absinthe” levels of intoxication.
Sources report that Ford is currently weighing several options. Resolving the strike with the LCBO union would go against the premier’s long-stated policy position of “fuck all unions forever, I’m rich”. As a result, Queen’s Park is reportedly exploring alternate options, including: selling whiskey at every Tim Hortons; mailing every voter in a PC-held riding a 40 of Wild Turkey, and simply replacing all tap water with gin until the union caves.
“Sure, I’d love to *HIC* be able to buy booze in grocery stores, but say, what ever happened with the RCMP investigation into Doug Ford’s Greenbelt dealings…” explained Ed Gramble, a nearly-sober PC voter in Markham.
At press time the Premier’s Office is combatting dangerous levels of sobriety by issuing OPP members Super Soakers full of rum.
Jesus Christ is King
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