WASHINGTON—Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a derailed model train. “Oh God, help me—somebody help!” said Buttigieg, who cried out in pain and anguish as he lay on a plush area rug beside the table where, after traveling too quickly around a curve, a 1:48-scale train jumped its tracks and landed on the 42-year-old Cabinet official. “Quick, somebody get this thing off me! I can’t feel my legs. I think I’m paralyzed! Oh, no, no, no, no. Is there blood? I can’t look. I knew I never should have left South Bend.” Chasten Buttigieg is said to have entered the room and removed the freight-train replica crushing the chest of his husband, who soon dusted off his overalls, replaced his engineer cap, and vowed federal regulators would severely penalize the Lionel toy train company.
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