Report Finds Just Giving In And Going To Church Would Solve All Your Problems

WASHINGTON—Making the case that the time had come to abandon your godless life of unbelief, a new report released Tuesday by a consortium of local pastors found that just giving in and going to church would solve all of your problems. “The challenges you face will disappear if you simply throw in the towel and stop questioning everything so much,” read the report, which emphasized how much easier life would be if you walked into the next Christian place of worship you saw and adopted all of its beliefs wholesale. “Church will provide you with the community and direction you have lacked for decades. You can quit therapy—which is expensive and a lot of work, isn’t it?—and just take comfort in whatever faith the church espouses. To be honest, you don’t even have to believe in God. You just have to act like you do.” Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the consortium said the group would be waiting a bit longer before it released a follow-up report on why, once you had given in and joined a church, it was important to donate 10% of your income to it.