‘Welp, Nothing We Can Do Now,’ Sighs Secret Service After Assassin Climbs On Modestly Sloped Roof

DES MOINES, IA — Sources within the Secret Service recently confirmed that the nation’s finest agents were unable to foil a devious assassin after the cold-hearted assailant climbed up onto a slightly sloped roof near a political rally. Recently released audio recordings have helped reconstruct the events.

“What? Oh no. Not again…” groaned Agent Kelly Crimsone, rolling her eyes as the would-be assassin scaled a mildly-sloped roof, eluding the clutches of three Secret Service members. “What do we do now, over? Where are we going, over? How are we going to get this guy, headquarters? He’s on a sloped roof!”

“Just get him!” came the order from the powers that be. “Wait, hold up…he’s on a roof? Abort, abort, over! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get on that roof, especially if it is in any way inclined or sloped, over!”

“Arrgghhh, welp, I guess there’s nothing that we can do now,” sighed an agent later identified as Robert Tomes, sadly removing the ladder the assassin had used to access the roof and folding it up. “He just made it — two more seconds and we’d’ve had him for sure. Pity about those OSHA regulations.”

The Secret Service reportedly hung around the building for the next forty-five minutes, just to see what would happen.

At publishing time, eyewitnesses had confirmed that the agents were completely shocked to hear shots coming from the top of the roof.

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Babylon Bee