Goliath Claims He Only Lost Because He Fought David On Slightly Sloped Surface

VALLEY OF ELAH — Archaeological findings from the Judean Foothills have just shed new light on the story of David and Goliath, revealing that Goliath claimed to have lost merely because he happened to be fighting David on a slightly sloping hill.

A newly unearthed and partly translated scroll purports to give a ring-side account of the end of the battle between the two and includes Goliath’s last words before David cut off his head with his own sword. Intriguingly, the giant seemed to put all of the blame for his defeat on the mildly sloping valley in which the pair were fighting.

“Not fair! You know I can’t fight on slight inclines!” Goliath gasped, according to the text. “If only we’d fought on level ground like MEN! Coward!”

According to the scroll, the Israelites were quick to point out that the hill David was standing on only had a five-degree slope. The Philistines, however, vehemently maintained that it wasn’t a fair fight because it violated safety rules for Goliath to try to fight on any sort of inclined terrain.

At publishing time, another portion of the scroll revealed Goliath explaining that he was just one quick head turn away from David’s sling causing nothing but a scratched ear.

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Babylon Bee