MINNETONKA, MN—Telling reporters that the three little bois had sooooo much fun the last few days, police announced Thursday that a missing woman had been discovered after her two sweet angel kitty babies went num num num on her corpse. “At 10 a.m., investigators found the victim unresponsive and noted that her feline friends had gone kissy kissy bitey bitey all over Mommy,” said Officer Leonard Underwood, adding that based on forensics, the two big-time floofers had been doing happy paws and making biscuits with their owner’s flesh for at least 48 hours. “Though it is an unfortunate situation, these gorgeous furry little handsome sweeties did such a good job eating all the parts of Mommy, including her face, arms, and legs. Didn’t they? Oh, just look at them. Let’s clean off their bloody toe beans and get these perfect kitties a treat!” At press time, the cats had reportedly been pulled from the shelter and euthanized after it was discovered they had developed a taste for hooman flesh.
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