DUBUQUE, IA—Following a late night out with friends during which they visited a succession of local bars, hungover sources unanimously reported Thursday that the last drink they had was definitely the one that did it. “That tequila shot we took right at the end—that was our mistake,” said a visibly hungover Pete Walters, throwing back three Advil with a large glass of water as he spoke on behalf of every sluggish, ailing American who drank to excess last night. “I’m hurting from that 10th drink, for sure, but I was totally fine up until that point. I should have called it a night and headed home at 2:15 instead of staying out until 2:30. In fact, we’d probably be feeling fine right now if we had just stuck to beer instead of switching to liquor after those first seven IPAs.” The hungover sources added that the intense headache, nausea, and depression they were experiencing was probably caused by all that sugar in the cocktails they drank more than anything else.
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