U.S. — Donald Trump is being praised for his speech at the close of the Republican National Convention Thursday, but not for the reason you might think. The former president is being heralded as a hero for talking long enough for Matt Gaetz’s botox to wear off so the United States representative could leave the convention looking normal.
“And we’re going to make America great again, again,” Trump said as he entered the fourth hour of his speech, eyes watching the forehead of Matt Gaetz. “And now, let me review my 48-point plan…”
According to sources, Trump had determined to keep the convention going until Matt Gaetz had a chance to look like an actual conservative and not a stand-in for Nancy Pelosi.
“Why are conservative men getting Botox injections? Everyone’s asking me that and it’s not a good look for our country,” Trump was heard telling JD Vance, his running mate. “We can’t let things end like this. He looks hideous, like a woman or a shoe salesman or something, to tell you the truth.”
“I’m going to go out there and filibuster this convention until he looks like a real person.”
Trump’s speech lasted a record-breaking 6 hours and 43 minutes. He covered everything he needed to discuss within about an hour and went off teleprompter for the remainder of the time, discussing everything from foreign policy to the current state of the Star Wars franchise.
“Did you see The Acolyte? Yeah, no one did,” Trump said to jeers, as he continued willing Matt Gaetz’s eyebrows to return to a natural state. “She bled the lightsaber crystal. She bled it just like that. Anakin killed all the younglings but this girl comes in and bleeds it like it’s nothing.”
Matt Gaetz’s Botox did eventually wear off. Unfortunately, he still looked like Matt Gaetz.
“Close enough,” Trump suddenly said, ending his speech.
At publishing time, Matt Gaetz returned to his doctor for more Botox injections and a chemical peel.
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Babylon Bee
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