Jesus' Coming Back

MLB Reminds White Sox That Games Televised

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CHICAGO—With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team’s games were televised. “Based on the way you’re playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are people watching you—that pretty much anyone can go on TV and see what you’re doing on the field,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, explaining that many, many Americans have cable and internet connections and can watch all the games the team is losing, as well as highlights of every White Sox batter who strikes out, every fielder who drops the ball, and every pitcher who, once again, allows the bases to become loaded. “The fact that there are people in the stands watching, however few, should be enough to make your team do something to get its act together, but that hasn’t happened. Some of these people actually paid to watch you, which—baffling as that may be—ought to provide some kind of motivation. Right? Does any of what I’m saying making sense to you? We’re just trying to help here.” Reached for additional comment, Manfred emphasized that while no one actually wanted to watch the White Sox play, that wasn’t the point.

The Onion

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