Biden Flubs Exit Speech

WASHINGTON—In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would “rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years.” “Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful throne atop the nation and continue my violent reign of terror until the end of time,” said a visibly shaky Biden, who, despite his best efforts to string together a coherent resignation, let out bloodcurdling screams, held up a human skull, and threatened to swiftly vanquish any American foolish enough to oppose him. “Though I may no longer be the Democratic nominee, I shall instead be the Supreme Leader of the United States of America, and all 340 million Americans will address me as such. Otherwise, I shall burn our nation’s cities to the ground and bathe in the ashes. I shall drink the blood of my enemies. And all shall cower before the divine will of Joe Biden! You fools. Ha ha!” At press time, worried-looking aides were shuffling Biden off-camera and telling the press corps that his repeated order to ‘Bow down to the Almighty Biden or be doomed to perish’ was the result of his struggle with a lifelong stutter.