OTTAWA – Aides to Prime Minister Trudeau have reportedly spent several hours attempting to explain how Joe Biden, a similarly left-leaning incumbent with low polling numbers, actually willingly chose to end his re-election campaign.
“So wait… he was headed for a certain electoral defeat where he was gonna drag his entire party down with him… and he didn’t go through with it?” asked a visibly confused Trudeau, as aides once again directed him to the beginning of a simple flowchart.
PMO staffers have reported that Trudeau, beyond simply misunderstanding the Biden news, has developed some kind of “full-blown mental block”, preventing him from recognizing the very concept of a low-polling leader not standing for re-election.
“Wait wait, I get it… so Biden is stepping aside because he’s trapped somewhere, like a pit or a crevasse, but as soon as he gets out he’s gonna resume his losing campaign,” asked a hopeful Trudeau, as aides called their various loved ones to cancel dinner plans.
Beyond focusing on the similarities between the two leaders – their policies, a global anti-incumbent wave, the fact that they’ve both hung out with Pierre Elliott Trudeau – aides have also attempted and failed to convey several key differences.
“Your unfavourable numbers are even higher than his! How are you not getting this?” shouted one beleaguered pollster, as Trudeau mused about inviting the Bidens for a state dinner after winning the next election.
Sources indicate that numerous Liberal staffers, MPs, and campaign employees have begun leaving reminders of Biden’s announcement around Trudeau’s office, in hopes that he will “take the goddamn hint”. These clues include printed-out articles, emailed video clips of fawning praises of Biden, and one message scrawled on Trudeau’s bathroom mirror in dark red liquid reading “GET OUT!”
Reports indicate that so much Liberal manpower has gone into explaining the Biden decision to Trudeau, that no work has been done whatsoever by the “What Other Liberal Would Take His Place” Committee.
At press time Trudeau has abandoned his mission to understand Biden’s decision after receiving a “PLEASE PLEASE STAY IN THE RACE” muffin basket, sent by a “P. Poilievre”.
Jesus Christ is King
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