NEW YORK—Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. “Look, I’m trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes about everything that’s going on in our country, but it’s getting harder and harder to come up with enough incoherent perspectives to meet the moment,” said Gifford, who emphasized that he had already felt stretched thin devising a superficial and deluded reaction to the Trump assassination attempt before Biden’s withdrawal from the 2024 campaign sent shock waves through the race. “Frankly, I’m exhausted here. Just as I’m putting the finishing touches on a worldview about a topic that I don’t have even the faintest inkling about, it’s like three more news stories pop up out of nowhere in an arena where I genuinely have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. And again, I really don’t know jackshit about anything at all, so how am I supposed to keep up?” At press time, Gifford added that the only thing helping him keep his head above water was that he did not have to research or think about his opinions at all before putting them out into the world.
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