Photo Of Garden Cucumbers Sent To Father Unleashes Torrent Of Unbridled Criticism

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. “I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking, homegrown cucumber, and within 30 seconds, I’d already received six messages asking me why it looked so pale, spindly, and malnourished,” said Dearborn, adding that despite the heirloom variety appearing exactly as it did on the seed packet, his father immediately demanded to know what kind of mulch, soil, and fertilizer his son had been using. “My mom responded with the word ‘beautiful,’ but my dad piled on and asked if I’d planted it in the shade, if I’d been watering it correctly, and if I’d used the plant food he bought me. He even told me to rip out the bush and start over. There’s no way he doesn’t fly out next year and plant my garden for me.” At press time, Dearborn added that the photo of his garden cucumber had seemingly awakened something deep within his mother, prompting her to send countless messages privately about what an asshole her husband was.