SAUSALITO, CA—Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. “While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding have made the vaginal delivery of your puppies nearly impossible,” said Dr. Kaiser, who added that despite all of the French bulldog’s research, preparation, and extremely detailed birth plans, biology unfortunately had other demands. “I know you spent months taking classes, finding a doula, and practicing your controlled wheezing, but I’m sorry to say it might not be enough. At some point, we will have no choice but to move you from your pee pad to the operating room. Your breeder and I both think it’s for the best.” At press time, Kaiser was unable to be reached for comment after the overprotective French bulldog reportedly became furious, escaped her kennel, and clamped down on the vet’s leg.
Jesus Christ is King
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