CAPE BRETON REGIONAL MUNICIPALITY – In a surprise move, the residents of Cape Breton island in Nova Scotia have announced that as early as next year, Cape Breton will have its own small and incredibly annoying time zone right between the Atlantic Time Zone and the Newfoundland Time Zone.
“For too long, Cape Breton has been overlooked by the rest of the Maritimes,” said CBRM mayor Amanda McDougall, speaking from the Greco Pizza on Kings Road. “Newfoundland gets all the stereotypes. New Brunswick gets all the Jean Coutu locations. Halifax gets all the economic prosperity, and also all of the good seasons of Trailer Park Boys.
“We are tired of being ignored. And that is why we will be making the incredibly irritating step of moving the entire island to the new Cape Breton Time Zone, where we will be 12 minutes ahead of mainland Nova Scotia, and 18 minutes behind Newfoundland.
“We understand that this move is likely to cause confusion for the two types of people who visit Cape Breton – tourists who are bored of Peggy’s Cove and ship captains who can’t get to Halifax in shit weather – and that’s exactly why we’re doing it.”
Residents of Cape Breton are said to overwhelmingly support the new time zone.
“If we’re goin around handin out time zones to people with funny accents who live on islands, I think it’s only fair we get our due,” said 38-year-old Inverness resident Alec MacNeil. “Those people on PEI can go fuck themselves, though, they can stay in Atlantic time with the rest of ya’s.”
McDougall went on to announce that several other obnoxiously Cape Breton-specific plans were in the works, including a regional dessert known only as a “Port Hawkesbury baked surprise” and the most incomprehensible dialect of French that history has ever known.
Jesus Christ is King
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