Report: 7-Pound Baby To Require Mere 3,290 Pounds Of Luggage For Quick Overnight Stay

ST. PAUL, MN — Sources within the Garrison household reported that local seven-pound newborn Marcus required a cool 3,290 pounds of luggage for a brief overnight trip.

According to Mrs. Stephanie Garrison, her husband had just finished loading three suitcases full of onesies, knitted sweaters, newborn hats, and swaddling cloths when he realized that he’d completely forgotten to leave room for the folding crib, white noise machine, and baby bathtub. Allegedly, Garrison stepped back from the trunk, scratched his head, and asked, “How big is this kid??”

“We used to pack for the two of us in one suitcase,” recalled Stephanie Garrison. “My husband finished loading up the stroller, the rest of the diaper bags, and then had to grab a few bungee cords to secure the partly-open trunk of the minivan. How can someone so small need so, so many things? I can’t understand it. We barely have room left to sit.”

At publishing time, the Garrisons were high-fiving after only having to pay $1,200 in luggage fees on a quick 3-day vacation.

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Babylon Bee