BRAMPTON, ON – Following news that Loblaws will settle a class-action bread price fixing suit for $500 million, the company has announced that all products sold in their stores will now carry a Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee.
The new fee will amount to a 10% surcharge on every food item, cleaning product, or weird Big Bang Theory-themed Christmas cookie tray that Canadians purchase at Loblaws stores.
“We at Loblaws have been humbled by this class action lawsuit,” explained Loblaw president and spokes-son, Galen Weston Jr. “I should add that by ‘humbled’, I am in no way accepting legal guilt for any bread price fixing that may or may not have occurred, allegedly.”
Weston continued, “The reason we’ve instituted our new Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee is because us grocery monoliths don’t like being held to account in court, not even a little bit, and Canadians need to understand that any attempt to do so will be visited back on them a hundred fold.”
“Oh, and Presidents Choice Decadent Chocolate Chunk Cookies are on sale this week for only $4.00 a bag, $4.40 after our newly-applied fee. Fuck you, Canadians,” Weston added, before being whisked away in his executive hot air balloon.
In addition to Loblaws locations, the Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee will apply to all products sold in the Loblaws-owned No Frills, Wholesale Club, Maxi & Cie, Real Canadian Superstore, Atlantic Superstore, Save-On Foods, Zehrs, Provigo, Fortinos, Valu-Mart, and of course all Shoppers Drug Mart locations.
The Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee will also be doubled on all Loblaws bread products.
In a related story, Loblaws cashiers will now ask if you’d like to donate a dollar to pay off Loblaws bread price fixing settlement.
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