MONTRÉAL – The government of Québec has confirmed that inspectors from the Office Québécois de la Langue Française have been monitoring conversations at a local hospital to ensure that patients dying in an underfunded healthcare system were doing so in the province’s official language.
In a statement, Health Minister Christian Dubé clarified: “At a time when doctors are fleeing the Québec public system in unprecedented numbers, my ministry is laser focused on the most important component of patient care – language compliance.”
Inspectors were seen standing at the bedside of expiring patients monitoring patients uttering their parting words, be they “Adieu, mes amis!” or “Je ne regrette rien.” Although one bureaucrat was left confused as to how to levy a fine on a patient for daring to say “Sayonara, tout le monde!”
Inspectors were also seen handing out fines to families saying goodbye to their loved ones in a non-approved language. They were then seen running out of the hospital very quickly afterwards because unlike the dying, grieving visitors still have the energy to throw a punch.
Premier François Legault has strongly reiterated his government’s commitment to their language policies. “Yes, our hospitals are understaffed, crumbling, and infested with mold, but our number one job is to eradicate the deadliest infection of all: other languages. Besides, as someone who grew up being bullied by Anglos I am deathly afraid of English-speaking ghosts!”
At press time inspectors were spotted in the maternity ward listening carefully for newborns crying “waa waa!” instead of the acceptable “ouin ouin!”
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