Man running through streets of Paris holding Olympic torch accidentally triggers massive revolt
PARIS – An Olympic torchbearer jogging through Paris en route to the opening ceremony has accidentally triggered a huge uprising amongst the populace as they reflexively took to the streets.
“As a lifelong Parisien I’ve always known what to do if I see a torch heading towards the center of the city,” said local shopkeeper turned revolutionary Didier Comtois. “You gather the forces of liberty and storm the seats of power.”
Following a tumultuous election that saw the far right threaten to gain control of the National Assembly before ultimately falling short to a left-wing alliance, the citizens of Paris were especially primed for mass action. But in the end most participants simply felt that the 66 year old Fifth Republic, France’s 3rd-longest-lasting system of government of the past 250 years, was getting a little stale.
“Sure we’ve had our share of protests in the last year over police killings, food prices, and the retirement age getting raised anywhere close to other EU nations,” said one former prisoner turned militia leader. “But those are just a kind of amuse bouche, the main course has to arrive eventually. And there is only one dish on the menu: revolution!”
Thousands of tourists were quickly absorbed into the uprising as it passed the hotels and restaurants in the north of the city. Many were convinced it was a new Olympic event that had started before the opening ceremony and involved violent fan participation, like soccer.
As the oblivious torchbearer made his way through Parc de la Villette, explosions could be heard to the south. Authorities insisted that this was a pre-planned fireworks display to announce the opening of the Games but others were not so sure.
“Fireworks? Ha!” laughed one woman with fire in her eyes and the songs of revolution on her Spotify playlist. “I’m heading to my storage locker to find the family barricades, we’ll have the parliament on the run by dawn!”
At press time it was reported that Andrew Lloyd Weber and Lin-Manuel Miranda were teaming up to make the most annoying musical possible based on the event.
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