PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because summer sports suck. However, if you still have a compulsive need to cheer when someone born in the same country as you outruns someone who wasn’t, the Beaverton’s guide has you covered! Here are the top five Summer sports that are still really pathetic substitutes for any Winter one picked at random:
5: Running
Okay, these people are fast, yes, but only at one of the most basic motions a human can perform. Olympic skiers and hockey players are also at the top of their game, and their game involves way more skill in the first place. You see people run every day on your way to work. Running was essentially the only requirement to pass middle school PE. But chances are you couldn’t even slide out of a hack properly, let alone put a rock on the button when it counts. And as for the luge? You’re kidding yourself if you think you’d even dare try it.
4: Pentathlon
A great demonstration of the law of diminishing returns. Biathlon is impressive: you have to be skilled in two substantially different activities and switch between them quickly. But once you get up to five events, don’t think we can’t tell you’re just spreading yourself thin in the hopes that your competitors have an Achilles heel in there somewhere.
3: Table Tennis
Yep, the way you killed all those hours with your parents’ friends’ kids when you were little is apparently an Olympic sport. Even though it was only marginally better than just sitting in awkward silence. And like many other Summer sports ― boxing, fencing, gymnastics, karate, weightlifting, you get the idea ― it’s just as easily done in Winter. Look no further than soccer, which begins in February, to see how weak a claim Summer has. Not to mention sports like cycling, diving, or beach volleyball, which are far more impressive during Winter. Hard to snowboard or skate without snow or ice, though. Just saying.
2: Basketball
Apparently, the Summer Olympics hands out medals just for being tall. Who knew?
1: Horse Racing
Even if we’re generous enough to ignore the animal welfare issues, let’s face it, the credit goes to the horse here. Winter Olympians recognize that, which is why you don’t see Olympic dog sledding. But if you think jockeys are lazy, don’t forget the Summer Olympics has golf, the sport that invented little carts to drive to the ball lest the participants accidentally get exercise.
So there you have it! With all the skill and passion on display, there’s a ton to look forward to in Milan 2026. As for this year, if you happen to be in Paris, we hear the Catacombs are worth checking out. And before you defend this sad excuse for an Olympics, consider that we never even mentioned it still pretends wrestling is real.
Jesus Christ is King
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